


Confessions

by ConeyIslandBlitz



Category: Red Dwarf (UK TV)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Idiots in Love, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Nightmares, Psychological Trauma, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-31
Updated: 2020-05-31
Packaged: 2021-03-02 19:34:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24472117
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConeyIslandBlitz/pseuds/ConeyIslandBlitz
Summary: In which Rimmer and Lister reflect upon recent happenings, (between the Inquisitor and Psirens) and what that means for their relationship with each other.Set after Legion, bc what good would being a soft light hologram be for this one?
Relationships: Dave Lister/Arnold Rimmer
Comments: 12
Kudos: 40





	Confessions

**Author's Note:**

> This is officially my first Red Dwarf fic in a whopping twelve years, guys. The previous ones are lost to the deep web, sadly, but I offer you all some feels. I thought this up after forcing myself to watch the episode Demons and Angels during my Red Dwarf rewatch. I don't remember a time when this episode has not been difficult for me to watch, so this may appear that I'm projecting some of my feelings onto Lister. To clarify, Lister is and has always been my favourite character and my heart hurts whenever I have to see him suffer.
> 
> Nonetheless, I hope you guys enjoy this fic.

It was Kryten and Rimmer's turn to pilot Starbug, and Lister could not be more glad to get away from the infinite nothingness that was deep space for a few hours, and away from the Cat. Since they'd escaped Legion's clutches, he felt a heavy weight burdening him, culminating from all of their recent adventures. He felt he couldn't talk to anyone else about it, because he feared they might not understand.

After a sneaky search, he found a video camera and slunk off to his sleeping quarters, which he continued to share with Rimmer, and locked the door to reduce the risk of being disturbed. He concentrated hard on getting the thing to work, and when he finally pulled it off after what felt like far too much tinkering, he hit record, and sat down. He sighed heavily and made like he was praying, willing himself the courage to speak the words he needed to speak.

"Well…" he began, hesitant, "where do I start?" He paused, and thought for a while. 

"Okay, so… a lot has been on my mind lately, and I've been doing my best to just shake it off and get on with my life but I simply cannot get rid of these thoughts, these feelings. We've had a rough go of it lately, what with the Inquisitor, the Despair Squid, and Rimmer catching that holovirus… but the part that's rocked me the most, is having been captured by the Lows. The things they made me do…" Lister fought off a sob, breathing deeply, "I've never felt so violated, degraded, and outright  _ ashamed,  _ in my life. This is worse than that one time Rimmer gorged on all that food right in front of me, in  _ my smeggin body _ , and every time I told him to stop he just seemed to more determined to pig out. And Cat, that insensitive bastard, he wanted to have a little bit of fun at my expense with that spinal implant once the ordeal was over," Lister ranted, sneering a little about that damn Cat, "but it's not over, not really. Not for me." 

Lister was shaking from nerves, trying to keep calm as he made this confession of sorts. His right leg was jiggling, the same way Kryten's does when he's lying. His breathing became a little more fast and shallow.

"I still get nightmares, ya know. Nightmares of getting cornered by Low Rimmer with his holowhip, the four of them just hovering over me like vultures over a fresh carcass… all of it just haunts me. And the humiliation of having to do all of those things to myself, the helplessness of having no control over my own body… having to hear all the things they said, the pleasure they all took in my suffering, especially Low Rimmer… I still hear the words play out in my head. And on top of all of that, I was forced to kill. I don't know which part is worse; the degradation, or the forced homicide. I am not a killer by nature. But here we are."

Lister took another deep breath.

"Right now I can't stand to be near the Cat, purely for insisting on leaving that implant in me just for his amusement. It took both Kryten  _ and  _ Rimmer to convince him to get the thing out of me and destroy it once and for all, and I'm so glad he didn't get it for the whole week like he wanted. I have to thank them both for that. And I especially have to thank Rimmer, for always reminding me that my nightmares are just that - nightmares."

Another pause.

"And- and this is gonna sound weird, but… there's something about Low Rimmer that's made me unable to see our Rimmer in the same light, ya know? The way he said he wanted to hurt me, and then- and then he said he was going to _have_ me. It made me think, what if- as outlandish as this sounds, what if our Rimmer's started to feel something for me? At the time I was terrified, don't get me wrong. That holowhip hurt like smeg knows what, but… I dunno, I guess I've become a bit… curious? About him? Ya know? I've started to wonder what it would be like… with him. Ya know. _That_ way."

He took his time to think and evaluate how he saw Rimmer now. He imagined being dominated by Rimmer dressed up as his Low self, albeit in a far more consensual setting. He imagined himself being a little bit bratty to him, earning him another lash of the holowhip to the chest. He felt himself get turned on by the idea, and figured there was no point denying it anymore. He sighed in a way that gave away his not even remotely mild arousal at this impromptu fantasy.

"Yeeeeaaah. Thought so. As if I needed  _ this _ on top of a developing trauma from having my body hijacked.  _ Again _ ," he lamented, and then continued, "I'll tell ya what though, I feel a lot better for doing this. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I know I'm gonna live with this trauma for the rest of my life, but... I know it'll get easier. I'll probably still get nightmares, but I hope the guys will have some patience with me. I mean, that alone is already too much to ask of the Cat, so I'm gonna have to lean a little bit heavier on Kryten and Rimmer. Especially Rimmer. He's already been patient enough with me. I feel like- I think I'm starting to regret not swimming upstream, so to speak, ya know, on that psi-moon. I just… I dunno how to tell him that… I really do love him. And he's only just become hard light, so I can't exactly overwhelm him by touching him all the time, ya know? It's just a bit difficult not to touch him, when it's all I find myself wanting to do."

Suddenly there was a knock on the door."

Listy, open the door!"

_ 'Aah. Rimmer,'  _ Lister thought, ' _ you have impeccable timing.' _

"Gimme a minute!" Lister called out, as he stopped recording and hid the camera. He then unlocked the door for Rimmer to enter, and he then locked the door himself.

******************************

_ The Journal of Arnold J Rimmer _

_ Entry: One _

_ Date: Smeg Knows. _

_ I have to get this off my chest, or it will haunt me for the remainder of my run time. I don't know what Listy saw back there on the Low ship, but it can't have been easy on him. I feel an urge to be there for him, but I don't know how. I've only just become a hard light hologram, and it can't have escaped anyone's notice that Listy was the first crew member that I touched. In a way, it was Listy's touch that I craved the most. That psiren posing as Listy has really made me start to think about why it posed as Listy in the first place - never mind that Kryten will only say it was to leave my Listy for dead on that planetoid - and I've started to think about how he's always been there for me over the years, even when I didn't deserve it.  _

_ Despite all of our tiffs, he always allows me to confide in him, unwaveringly. I just wish he felt comfortable enough to confide in me. It broke my heart when he said he didn't mean to tell me he loved me. Ultimately though, I wasn't surprised. Who could love a neurotic cowardly mess like me? Someone who got taught from a young age only to look out for number one? Someone who had to divorce his parents because they'd probably have ended up killing him if he hadn't? Or maybe he was just going along with the others so they wouldn't clock on that he really did mean it? Naahh, that'd be too farfetched. He doesn't love me. Not the way I've come to love him. That's why he tries to avoid touching me the way I so desperately need him to. I think what he went through with the Lows has made him repulsed by me, and I don't even know what my Low self was like. For Listy's sake, I'm not sure I want to know. I'm at least not going to press the issue. _

_ Either way, these past events have made me realise, that… I wouldn't be where I am today, I wouldn't have grown into the hologram I am today, if I didn't have Listy by my side. My dear Listy. He's kept me sane just as much as I hope I've kept him sane. My father would disown me if he found out I was developing feelings for another guy like 'some sissy boy'. Truth is, I've stopped caring. This crew is my family now. And I love Listy. My heart hurts whenever I hear him scream in his sleep; I make a point to wake him gently and remind him that the Lows can't hurt him anymore. Since I have this hard light body, it's so easy for me to touch him now, to comfort him. And I never want to stop. _

_ Smeg this. _

_ I'm going to be brave. I'm going to tell him how I feel, whether he feels the same way or not. And I will have no regrets. _

******************************

"Listen, Listy, I've been thinking," Rimmer started before hesitating.

"Yeah? Well… honestly so have I…" Lister replied, suddenly feeling another wave of nerves hit him as he remembered what he was just talking about to the camera, and he looked down, evading eye contact with Rimmer.

"I, um. If I don't do this now then I fear I never will, so if I may, I'm going to kiss you now." As soon as Lister looked up at him, Rimmer placed a hand on Lister's cheek and pressed a gentle kiss to his lips. When he broke the kiss, he and Lister looked one another in the eyes, and Lister pulled him back in for a deeper one, wrapping his arms around the hard light hologram.

They eventually pulled back to catch their breath, and Lister snaked his left hand into Rimmer's curly hair, resting his forehead against Rimmer's, the cool metal H a refreshing sensation on his hot skin. Rimmer failed to fight back tears of guilt.

"I'm sorry Listy, I'm so sorry for everything I've ever done to hurt you," he sobbed as he buried his head into Lister's neck.

"Hey, it's okay Big Man, I forgive ya. Water under the bridge and all that," Lister said reassuringly, left hand still in Rimmer's hair as he stroked Rimmer's back with his right, "I'm sorry I lied to ya back on that psi-moon. I really do love ya, ya know. I've loved you for quite some time. Only now, I can finally show it."

Rimmer held on tight to Lister as he pulled himself up to meet Lister's eyes. Lister wiped his tears away, and Rimmer returned the declaration of love, promising him that from that point on, he would do his best to be there for Lister, despite his constant, inescapably neurotic, survival mode brain. Lister reciprocated with a quip about how Rimmer can't get rid of him that easily, making Rimmer chuckle a little, because of how true it was. With this, they sealed their promises to one another with a kiss.

***

As they were lying in Rimmer's bunk together, naked and wrapped in each other's arms after the most intense sex either of them have ever had, Rimmer was the first to speak.

"Listy… You're the only one who really met the Lows… what were they like? And which Low was it that we shot down?"

Lister took a deep breath before answering; he was figuring out how best to word it. Rimmer took this as hesitation.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to, I was just curious," Rimmer said, almost stuttery in defence.

"Oh it's okay, I don't mind. I'm just happy I can talk to someone about it," replied Lister, and he told Rimmer everything, in detail, saving the parts about Low Rimmer for last. Rimmer made a point to hug Lister tighter every time he heard his voice waver even slightly. 

And so they talked about  _ everything _ that was on their minds, they supported one another, and they both felt a lot better for having done so. 

"You know Cat and Kryten aren't gonna like this, right?" Rimmer said in a low voice, almost anticipating their negative reactions.

"So what if they don't? It's not our problem. They'll just have to get used to it," Lister replied with a shrug, before looking at Rimmer with a genuinely happy smile. "I love you, Arnie," he said as he stroked Rimmer's cheek.

"I love you too Dave," Rimmer replied, pulling Lister down for another kiss.

**Author's Note:**

> Any and all feedback is appreciated, guys.


End file.
